DO IT!!!

January 23, 2025

Im finally better and walking and not sick and going back to work saturday so things are looking up a month later.

But as i'm sitting here i'm just thinking what the fuck am I going to do with my life in the future. Yeah I have an awesome life now and great friends at both my job and outside of work, life is good for now but. Do I expect myself to just work at a dead end retail job for the rest of my life? God I would hope not. No shame to anyone who does obviously, but I just don't want to get too comfortable.

I love everything artistic, movies music writing art anything and everything under the sun. I'd love to write for zines about music , or anything that i'm interested in really. I have some experience in writing for magazines but I don't think its enough to warrent a think piece for a zine i've never heard of. Or making music, since I love that obviously, but I dont know. I dont need to be this huge artist or musician or anyone of any type of notable fame. I just want to stay me.

I think I just need to work on my arts more consistently, mainly writing and music related things. I'd love to work for a magazine, and do music on the side with a small loyal fanbase. That's my dream.

I'm going to start listening to at least a new album a day and get back on the horse with new music, there are new things constantly being made and if I want to keep up, thats the least I can do.

Wish me luck!

Test

.

January 9th, 2025

I got an infection.

On the 5th, I start thinking "man my leg kind of hurts", only to find out that I have a huge sweltering red bump on my leg. Initially I dont think much of it, but mid way into my shift I began having a slight fever, and my leg is starting to kill me.

I go home, am in pain, wake up in pain and sick, in and out of it, sleep, wake up, and finally go to the hospital.

Needless to say I am doing a lot better now, taking 500mg pills 4 times a day to help the infection. It's working!

Today was an interesting day though, I had the strongest urge to smell the air. I just had to, I was going crazy without it. I get up from bed slowly, then start attempting to walk. I start staggering, finding any wall or object to help prop myself up as I walk to the stairs. Then I began climbing up all 4s, moaning and groaning in pain as I feel the blood rush to my leg, causing it to swell and tighten with every movement. I was still committed though.

I get to the top of the staircase, shaky breath and rug burned knees, I pathetically walk to my front door, swing open the door and feel the cool winters air hit my skin like a splash of cold water to the face.

I stood there huffing and puffing, on my porch in my thin pajamas, taking in the cool crisp air and staring at the beaten down snow. I notice my neighbors on the left still have this scary as shit santa claus on their porch, and the sounds of the flapping hole ridden tarp that my neighbors on the right have. It's always been so annoying listening to.

It felt almost like I was rebirthed, in an almost sad-psuedo religious way. I'm not very religious, nor am I a christian or catholic even, but I can imagine this is what it feels like being reborn.

televangelism

The first

January 1st, 2025

Ok so i completely lied on my last post.

I will be putting more of an effort for TRYING to update more ... I think its the perfect time to start considering its the first day of the new year

Speaking of new year...

It's officially this blogs first birthday yayayayayay!!!!!

And while yes I know the first post is from July, i've archived the rest into a notes file. I'll probably put up the first post again whenever i'm not lazy.

Anyways, I started this blog from my moms couch, and turned it into what it is today. Granted I know it still isn't much, but its definitely more of a long term project. I'm still really proud of myself for continuing this and wanting to create and do more.

I think i'm finally starting to find my ground

I do have a lot more ideas for the future, like I want to try and make a software where I can just make a post on a website and have it upload here, but only god knows (and probably other people) if thats even possible. But regardless, i'll still do my research and try my best.

I also want to start making my music more, i'm doing a better job of writing in my journal and being more aware of of how grateful I am to be breathing and walking. I'm starting to do this thing where I stop walking and i have to take a big deep breath in through my nose just so I can smell everything. I think it started with me realizing that its strange that we breathe through our noses yea, but it's like we dont realize what it is we are smelling if that makes sense?

Anyways, the smell of wet concrete and salty water makes me feel so, alive. Just having the ability to smell everything and feel the green nature walk its path through your senses feels unbelievably rejuvinating. People need to smell more

Anyways, I've met a lot of lovely people in 2024 who I am now close with, gotten tattoos, piercings, travelled everywhere I wanted to, fell in love again and again with the same sun, felt despair, misery, blackness, and was brought back to life again and again, and now I'm here.

Can't wait to see what life will give me this year

test
December 5th, 2024

Took this over a year ago November 3rd when I was in the uk

I don't know why it took me so long to start posting photots on here...

I'm going to try and post on here at least every other day ... or maybe like set days throughout the week would work too..

It's just so much easier giving my fingers the ability to dance across the keyboard to convey my thoughts, or letting them grasp the cold ink

The more I think of why i'm the way I am, the frame starts adjusting itself ever so slightly but I just don't know if it will ever be fixed

Authenticity in me

November 26th, 2024

Nothing but reflection has been on my mind in the past couple of months. Figuring out what I like to eat, how I like to interact, how I like to live, is all coming into fruition the more I get older.

I feel my frontal lobe devloping as every second runs by. With this, comes newfound emotions of problems i've always been scared to meet. Something about having to have a conversation with me from when I was 12 years old, feels humiliatingly daunting.

But with the constant trials and errors of facing anxiety inducing memories, comes new knowledge.

Something about typing or writing my thoughts, or creating music feels more me than I can ever translate via words. Why? I think i'm a pretty good talker, but am I me when I talk? Or am I just want you want me to be?

An autonomous blank canvas ready to paint itself any color you desire

I have no fucking idea why I still struggle with knowing me, but it's a learning curve. And has been for the better part of half my life. But thats ok, i'll live.

Oct

October 22nd, 2024

I think im slipping

Live...?

September 20th, 2024

23

August 16th, 2024

Goodbye to my former skin, you picked me up when I was at my lowest, and now its up to me to take what remains with love and care.

I didnt know how to talk to you, after everything that happened, hospital visits, deaths, new emotions. new scents. I didnt even know how to begin.

I hope you forgive the way I treated you. After 22 years of malignant touches coursing through your blood at every corner like an angry water stream, it felt normal. It felt right.

But it never was. You were never born to hate, to be full of despair and tar. That wasn't you, no matter how many hours you spent staring into the space sitting at the corner of your bed, it wasn't.

You were born to love, to feel, to give rays of the sun away. The little rays that you held so tight to your chest, scared that once it ran, it would turn you into night.

I'll make it up to you. I'll make your bed every morning. I'll make sure to clean all the clutter you left in your room. I'll text the people who you wanted to keep in your life, but were too scared to let in.

I'll love in your place, and make sure that you are remembered and seen through the mirrors in my eyes.

For now, try and fall asleep for a bit. You deserve a long rest. Don't worry, everything will be fine. I promise.

Sleep well, i'll see you soon, I love you.

Goodnight.

11:46pm

August 11th, 2024

sometimes i feel like im just a fragment of old memories fleeting quickly, disapating into the air

i only ever use this when im feeling any shade of blue, its kind of like a thought segment on those old 90s night shows that only air past 9

What is god?

July 24th, 2024

What is god? Is God nothing but a metaphor people use when to describe a being who is above them? Is it an entity watching our every move, making sure every little step goes as planned? Was it the bug I killed on the wall; scared it would begin to creep near me?

How am I able to be so certain about my interpretation of God when I dont even know myself?

God.

God is me waking up to the sun, as she lays on the right side of the bed, wistfully and beautifully sleeping, without a care in the world.

God is the care she shows, as she carresses my ear like the wind, making sure to carefully feel my warmth.

God is the woman I saw, holding the stranger man's hand on the bus, as he weeps silently, but securely as he knows there are people who do love in this world.

God is the golden leaf that lays upon the ledgetop, waiting to be taken to its next destination.

God is the feeling of doom. The doom that rests in your chest, waiting to pounce at a moments notice.

God is the utility pole, singing joys of the static realm, waltzing into the lines that we use to voice our words into space.

God is cancelling all train lines for the weekend, just so I get to be with the sun a day or 2 more.

God is the fear we feel when we are alone at night, with nothing but our thoughts and hopes to leave this empty husk.

I believe God is us. I believe we are surrounded by nothing but hate, demise, confusion, despair, wind, blood, vibrations, love.

As I am typing this, I am riddled with anxiety. Anxieties that scare me, anxieties that shape me and my feelings. I wish I wasn't like this.

But thats okay, I know I am always being watched. Watched with love, watched with care, watched so that the day I die, I will not be alone.

I'll be with God.


		NAME Elijah AGE 23 GENDER something LOCATION Chicago INTEREST musi music HOBBY i sleep CONTACT me A couple of links.. Instagram Twitter Tiktok Spotify Pinterest datadirewolf page Song of the day Just Like Honey - The Jesus and Mary Chain Guestbook The previous chat wasn't working so i switch to guestbook Leave a little comment if you'd like, it'd be appreciated.. credits Designed by: MidnightxAurora. Resources by: xx, xx, xx.
	DO IT!!! January 23, 2025 Im finally better and walking and not sick and going back to work saturday so things are looking up a month later. But as i'm sitting here i'm just thinking what the fuck am I going to do with my life in the future. Yeah I have an awesome life now and great friends at both my job and outside of work, life is good for now but. Do I expect myself to just work at a dead end retail job for the rest of my life? God I would hope not. No shame to anyone who does obviously, but I just don't want to get too comfortable. I love everything artistic, movies music writing art anything and everything under the sun. I'd love to write for zines about music , or anything that i'm interested in really. I have some experience in writing for magazines but I don't think its enough to warrent a think piece for a zine i've never heard of. Or making music, since I love that obviously, but I dont know. I dont need to be this huge artist or musician or anyone of any type of notable fame. I just want to stay me. I think I just need to work on my arts more consistently, mainly writing and music related things. I'd love to work for a magazine, and do music on the side with a small loyal fanbase. That's my dream. I'm going to start listening to at least a new album a day and get back on the horse with new music, there are new things constantly being made and if I want to keep up, thats the least I can do. Wish me luck! Test . January 9th, 2025 I got an infection. On the 5th, I start thinking "man my leg kind of hurts", only to find out that I have a huge sweltering red bump on my leg. Initially I dont think much of it, but mid way into my shift I began having a slight fever, and my leg is starting to kill me. I go home, am in pain, wake up in pain and sick, in and out of it, sleep, wake up, and finally go to the hospital. Needless to say I am doing a lot better now, taking 500mg pills 4 times a day to help the infection. It's working! Today was an interesting day though, I had the strongest urge to smell the air. I just had to, I was going crazy without it. I get up from bed slowly, then start attempting to walk. I start staggering, finding any wall or object to help prop myself up as I walk to the stairs. Then I began climbing up all 4s, moaning and groaning in pain as I feel the blood rush to my leg, causing it to swell and tighten with every movement. I was still committed though. I get to the top of the staircase, shaky breath and rug burned knees, I pathetically walk to my front door, swing open the door and feel the cool winters air hit my skin like a splash of cold water to the face. I stood there huffing and puffing, on my porch in my thin pajamas, taking in the cool crisp air and staring at the beaten down snow. I notice my neighbors on the left still have this scary as shit santa claus on their porch, and the sounds of the flapping hole ridden tarp that my neighbors on the right have. It's always been so annoying listening to. It felt almost like I was rebirthed, in an almost sad-psuedo religious way. I'm not very religious, nor am I a christian or catholic even, but I can imagine this is what it feels like being reborn. televangelism The first January 1st, 2025 Ok so i completely lied on my last post. I will be putting more of an effort for TRYING to update more ... I think its the perfect time to start considering its the first day of the new year Speaking of new year... It's officially this blogs first birthday yayayayayay!!!!! And while yes I know the first post is from July, i've archived the rest into a notes file. I'll probably put up the first post again whenever i'm not lazy. Anyways, I started this blog from my moms couch, and turned it into what it is today. Granted I know it still isn't much, but its definitely more of a long term project. I'm still really proud of myself for continuing this and wanting to create and do more. I think i'm finally starting to find my ground I do have a lot more ideas for the future, like I want to try and make a software where I can just make a post on a website and have it upload here, but only god knows (and probably other people) if thats even possible. But regardless, i'll still do my research and try my best. I also want to start making my music more, i'm doing a better job of writing in my journal and being more aware of of how grateful I am to be breathing and walking. I'm starting to do this thing where I stop walking and i have to take a big deep breath in through my nose just so I can smell everything. I think it started with me realizing that its strange that we breathe through our noses yea, but it's like we dont realize what it is we are smelling if that makes sense? Anyways, the smell of wet concrete and salty water makes me feel so, alive. Just having the ability to smell everything and feel the green nature walk its path through your senses feels unbelievably rejuvinating. People need to smell more Anyways, I've met a lot of lovely people in 2024 who I am now close with, gotten tattoos, piercings, travelled everywhere I wanted to, fell in love again and again with the same sun, felt despair, misery, blackness, and was brought back to life again and again, and now I'm here. Can't wait to see what life will give me this year test December 5th, 2024 Took this over a year ago November 3rd when I was in the uk I don't know why it took me so long to start posting photots on here... I'm going to try and post on here at least every other day ... or maybe like set days throughout the week would work too.. It's just so much easier giving my fingers the ability to dance across the keyboard to convey my thoughts, or letting them grasp the cold ink The more I think of why i'm the way I am, the frame starts adjusting itself ever so slightly but I just don't know if it will ever be fixed Authenticity in me November 26th, 2024 Nothing but reflection has been on my mind in the past couple of months. Figuring out what I like to eat, how I like to interact, how I like to live, is all coming into fruition the more I get older. I feel my frontal lobe devloping as every second runs by. With this, comes newfound emotions of problems i've always been scared to meet. Something about having to have a conversation with me from when I was 12 years old, feels humiliatingly daunting. But with the constant trials and errors of facing anxiety inducing memories, comes new knowledge. Something about typing or writing my thoughts, or creating music feels more me than I can ever translate via words. Why? I think i'm a pretty good talker, but am I me when I talk? Or am I just want you want me to be? An autonomous blank canvas ready to paint itself any color you desire I have no fucking idea why I still struggle with knowing me, but it's a learning curve. And has been for the better part of half my life. But thats ok, i'll live. Oct October 22nd, 2024 I think im slipping Live...? September 20th, 2024 23 August 16th, 2024 Goodbye to my former skin, you picked me up when I was at my lowest, and now its up to me to take what remains with love and care. I didnt know how to talk to you, after everything that happened, hospital visits, deaths, new emotions. new scents. I didnt even know how to begin. I hope you forgive the way I treated you. After 22 years of malignant touches coursing through your blood at every corner like an angry water stream, it felt normal. It felt right. But it never was. You were never born to hate, to be full of despair and tar. That wasn't you, no matter how many hours you spent staring into the space sitting at the corner of your bed, it wasn't. You were born to love, to feel, to give rays of the sun away. The little rays that you held so tight to your chest, scared that once it ran, it would turn you into night. I'll make it up to you. I'll make your bed every morning. I'll make sure to clean all the clutter you left in your room. I'll text the people who you wanted to keep in your life, but were too scared to let in. I'll love in your place, and make sure that you are remembered and seen through the mirrors in my eyes. For now, try and fall asleep for a bit. You deserve a long rest. Don't worry, everything will be fine. I promise. Sleep well, i'll see you soon, I love you. Goodnight. 11:46pm August 11th, 2024 sometimes i feel like im just a fragment of old memories fleeting quickly, disapating into the air i only ever use this when im feeling any shade of blue, its kind of like a thought segment on those old 90s night shows that only air past 9 What is god? July 24th, 2024 What is god? Is God nothing but a metaphor people use when to describe a being who is above them? Is it an entity watching our every move, making sure every little step goes as planned? Was it the bug I killed on the wall; scared it would begin to creep near me? How am I able to be so certain about my interpretation of God when I dont even know myself? God. God is me waking up to the sun, as she lays on the right side of the bed, wistfully and beautifully sleeping, without a care in the world. God is the care she shows, as she carresses my ear like the wind, making sure to carefully feel my warmth. God is the woman I saw, holding the stranger man's hand on the bus, as he weeps silently, but securely as he knows there are people who do love in this world. God is the golden leaf that lays upon the ledgetop, waiting to be taken to its next destination. God is the feeling of doom. The doom that rests in your chest, waiting to pounce at a moments notice. God is the utility pole, singing joys of the static realm, waltzing into the lines that we use to voice our words into space. God is cancelling all train lines for the weekend, just so I get to be with the sun a day or 2 more. God is the fear we feel when we are alone at night, with nothing but our thoughts and hopes to leave this empty husk. I believe God is us. I believe we are surrounded by nothing but hate, demise, confusion, despair, wind, blood, vibrations, love. As I am typing this, I am riddled with anxiety. Anxieties that scare me, anxieties that shape me and my feelings. I wish I wasn't like this. But thats okay, I know I am always being watched. Watched with love, watched with care, watched so that the day I die, I will not be alone. I'll be with God.

credits Designed by: MidnightxAurora. Resources by: xx, xx, xx.